I love to talk. I could go on and on. And I often do. But I usually only pull that kind of self-involved behavior with my closest friends who consequently happen to be the very same ones to shut me up when I’ve overstepped the acceptable amount of “talking about me” time. Far be it for me to complain about someone else monopolizing a conversation for once. Which is why I finally met my match with this guy “Ramblin’ Ron”. Not only did I barely get two words in edgewise for the duration of our coffee date but up until today, for the life of me, I can’t remember a single thing “Ron” said because he talked way too much about too many things. Esoteric, scholarly things. Basically our whole conversation thus remains a giant, hazy glaze in the depths of my lesser fond memories.

It could have been the caffeine making him drivel on incessantly or perhaps he was just over-excited about a million subjects all at once. Or, maybe he’s just socially-awkward and couldn’t care less about anything but himself. Either way, it was a painful rendezvous and as much as I’ve tried to block it out of my mind, this is the best I can come up with in attempts at replicating what transpired that afternoon in the Coffee Bean.

I should have known when he told me to “Look out for the guy reading Atlas Shrugged”, I’d be in for meeting a pretentious literary snob. At first I thought it was impressive for him to take on the acclaimed philosophical sci-fi novel on his own volition but then I realized he only did it as a means for self-aggrandizement, a reason to tout himself superior intellectually and mainly, because he’s one boring human being.

ME: You must be Ron.

RON: (puts down his book and smiles, smug.) How did you guess?

ME: The book. You told me you’d be reading Atlas Shrugged, remember?

RON: Oh, that’s right… I did. Have you ever read it?

ME: No. I haven’t. (Noticing his half-drunken coffee, I remain standing). You already have a drink. I’m going to get a coffee. I’ll be right back.

RON: That’s fine. Take your time. I’m at a crux point in this chapter that’s absolutely compelling…

At this point, I go get my coffee and return to find him consumed, reading.

ME: Do you want to just forge this whole meeting? I mean, you’re obviously busy reading and I could just go. That’s fine…

RON: Oh, no. No, no. I’m just… I need a sounding board for something. Please, sit. (I sit). See, I’m having this inner debate after reading this book and I wonder what you think about this theory that’s bugging me. It’s kind of abstract but I think I can explain it really well. So, the premise of this book is based upon objective ethics. Do you know anything about objective ethics?

ME: (I sigh). A little…

RON: I’ve always thought that there is such a thing as an objective truth. But then, the sum of objectivity’s parts is subjectivity, in each one of us, right? Which makes me wonder, as I read a book based on objectivity, could I possibly be soaking up the same principles that Ayn Rand insinuated when she was writing her book? Or am I interpreting her words in a completely different manner? Now, I came to the conclusion that it’s all an oxymoron, the whole notion of universality. To me, it’s a big hoax. And I wonder, what you think of this dilemma?

ME: You mean, if we’re both drinking coffee, do we taste the same thing? That sort of objectivity versus subjectivity dilemma? (I try to cover up my yawn).

RON: No. Not at all. Have you ever even taken a philosophy class?

ME: Yes and I didn’t like it because it’s all about arguing for no reason.

RON: It’s not like that at all. It’s about expanding the mind and finding ways to think about things in different lights. Not being so close-minded.

ME: (Insulted) Are you calling me closed-minded?

RON: I don’t know you yet so I can’t really judge. But I can tell you that I used to be very straight and narrow. I only saw things one way. And now I see things in all kinds of enlightened ways because I’m open to it.

ME: How about being open to the fact that you don’t even know me and here you are, talking about all kinds of book-based bullshit trying to show off your knowledge that no one who isn’t a philosophy major cares about?

RON: Wow. I wouldn’t have expected this from your profile. You portrayed yourself as someone who’s well-read and you’re obviously not interested in any sort of intellectual conversation. You girls are all alike. You go online and present yourself as being educated and erudite but really all you’re interested in is shopping and gossiping. I wonder, why bother even having gone to school if you’re not cerebrally-invigorated by the chance at having an intellectual conversation with another person?

ME: Actually I’m trying to have a conversation here but —

RON: (interrupts me) – But you’re not interested in anything literary. Remind me, what did you get your degree in again?

ME: Fine art.

RON: Now I remember. So what’s your favorite era?

ME: Postmodern.

RON: (Appearing displeased) Really? I think postmodern is okay but it pales in comparison to the impressionists. It’s much easier to create anew than it is to accurately depict something in its authenticity.

ME: I don’t think so at all but –

RON: (interrupts me again) –That’s why I think both jazz and blues is a waste of music. You can’t annotate that kind of freestyle on paper properly. Whereas classical music, in all its complexity can be played over and over again, handed down through the ages with sheet music.

ME: I really don’t agree with you at all. With anything you said actually.

RON: Not many people do. I’m a provocative thinker. I say things people don’t want to say or think about. But I say the truth. And the truth isn’t always innocuous but at least, it’s the truth. And —

ME: (interrupting Ron) – You know what I think?

RON: Excuse me but you just interrupted me. That’s really rude.

ME: (shocked). Excuse me but you think I’m being rude? Me? What about you, Mr. let’s talk about everything I want to talk about and I’m the only one allowed to talk in this conversation? Talk about subjectivity. Hmmpf!

RON: You’re making me lose my train of thought here…

ME: (standing up). You just lost more than your train of thought here. You also just lost a date, buddy. Why don’t you sit and have a conversation with your book and bore it to death? I’m out of here. See ya.

And with that, I left Ramblin’ Ron and his rambunctious thoughts behind. Walking away, for several city blocks,  I swear I could still hear Ron talking and talking and talking. And talking.

When I got home, I called up my best friend and told her about the situation and she couldn’t stop laughing. “Now you know how it feels,” she said. And for once, I kept my mouth shut and didn’t argue.

Do you think the universe was trying to teach me a lesson about monopolizing conversations with people in general so I wouldn’t repeat that type of rude social manner in the future or was this guy just a narcissistic douche bag altogether?